Unlearning the Rules of Toxic Masculinity — As a Woman

I was sitting on my couch reading Red Hot and Holy by Sera Beak when it hit me like a bolt of lightning — not something she directly said, but something that cracked me open between the lines:

I didn’t respect women.

And worse — I didn’t fully respect myself as a woman.

At first, I was shocked. Then I felt shame. Deep, visceral shame. Then, strangely… came forgiveness. A rush of clarity. Like, oh my god, this is why.

It wasn’t that I hated women — it’s that I had internalized the rules of survival in a world built on toxic masculine energy. I saw the feminine as weak. I saw softness as useless. I rolled my eyes at “emotional” women and prided myself on having more guy friends than girl friends. Because girls were, well, bitches. 

And I don’t say that lightly. I say that because that belief ran my system — until it didn’t.

That’s when I started to understand: this wasn’t just about me. This was ancestral. Cultural. Structural. For generations, women couldn’t make their own money. (I was shocked when I learned an unmarried woman couldn’t even have a credit card or apply for a loan until 1974!) Women had to rely on men for survival — and that meant competing with one another to be the “chosen” one.

The patriarchy didn’t just diminish women — it divided us.

And somewhere in that collective inheritance, we learned to mistrust each other. To judge softness. To see other women as a threat. We had to compete to survive.

That realization opened a portal I never knew I needed.

 

Business Taught Me Masculinity — But Not the Sacred Kind

In business, I learned early: it’s a dog-eat-dog world. You don’t bring feelings to work. You get shit done. You do what you’re told. You overdeliver. You push through.

And if you’re a woman? You better be hard enough to be respected, but not too hard or you’re a bitch. Walk the line. Look the part. Never let them see you sweat. I became an overachiever. Whatever my boss wanted — I did it. Even when it felt wrong.

When I did work for women leaders, I had two kinds of experiences: one boss was amazing and nurturing. The other was ruthless — perfection-obsessed, critical, harsh. I used to blame her. 

Now I see: the first woman owned her own business. The second woman was the only woman at her level in a “good-old-boys” company. She had to be twice as perfect just to be seen.

I get it now.

 

How I Viewed the Feminine — Before the Awakening

The feminine, to me, was about beauty. It was performative. Something to please others, especially men. My mom taught me how to “be” for a husband. She literally told me to wear lipstick at night. Like… what? But now I see, that was what was embedded into her by her mother.

When I saw soft women, I judged them. “Grow some balls,” I’d think. I can’t believe I ever felt that way, but I did. Because the feminine wasn’t powerful in the world I had adapted to.

So I hardened. Achieved. Outperformed. Proved.

 

The Crumble — and the Cave

When I started to soften… I didn’t know who I was.

It was terrifying.

I was vulnerable — and I hated even saying that word. I felt exposed. Off-script. I questioned everything about how I acted around friends, family, even myself. Would they still like me if I didn’t perform power?

I had just started a new job — another “dream job” at the time — and it was there that I was introduced to deep shadow work that started a deep 9-year healing journey (and counting). The job came with huge demands, and those demands gave me a good excuse to let myself go into a cave — to seclude myself from the rest of the world. And, unknowingly, that gave me the space to disappear into myself, peel back the layers, and begin the real work.

Because we don’t stop healing. It’s onion layers. One after the other. Back toward the divine blueprint we forgot.

 

The Moment with Loki

Then one night I was watching Loki — the Marvel series — and something struck me.

The boss in the show was a hardass. Manipulative. Cold. And a woman. And that’s when it clicked: It’s not about gender.

It’s about how we relate to power.

The toxic masculine can live in any of us.

There’s power-over. There’s proving. There’s control. There’s suppression of intuition. Shame around rest. Fear of softness. I used to control every outcome, micromanage my reality, and call that “being successful.”

But it was just survival dressed up as “having my shit together.”

Even my “evolved” boss mocked my intuition. Called me a witch in a negative way. Tried to teach intuition with a card game and got mad if people didn’t do it. I told him I access my intuition differently. He didn’t want to hear it. 

That wasn’t sacred masculine. That was spiritualized control. Another form of toxic masculinity.

 

Reclaiming My Feminine — and Letting My Masculine Heal

Today, my feminine feels like an old friend. A wise keeper. She is soft, clear, sacred. She’s made me calmer. Kinder. Holds space for everyone, not just those closest to me. Even in traffic — I let people go first now. (Road rage used to be my default.)

And my divine masculine? He’s different now too. He takes action — but from wholeness. No longer driven by fear or image, but by clarity and love. From true authentic power.

And that has changed everything.

My work. My relationships. My leadership. My voice. My purpose. Even my love life — it’s stronger now. I don’t think we’d have made it if I hadn’t grown.

One of the biggest changes so far? 

In business I used to speak for others. I used to ghostwrite blogs for others.

Now I speak for me. Now I come out of my cave.

I’m still finding my voice. Still calibrating. Still becoming. But now I’m doing it from my center — not the one the world told me I needed to build.

So let me ask you…

What version of power have you been taught to perform to stay safe, be respected, or survive?

Where have you confused survival for strength?

Are you ready to meet your divine feminine — not as a costume, but as the quiet wisdom already waiting inside you? 

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